What we want to achieve is:
- Capture the audience’s attention by writing short stories, which are well crafted and interesting to read.
- Be able to critique a piece of writing (Give and receive advice in order to improve work) Communicate effectively as an advice giver
Today we looked at how we use words effectively to paint a picture in the readers mind. Changing and adapting our writing for greater effect, we discussed showing the reader the characters traits rather than telling. We also wanted to add thoughts and feelings to connect the reader emotionally to the stories being told.
Original
The man walked up a hill and looked out at the ocean.
I trudged up the worn hill, my gun resting comfortably in my hand. Reflecting....I had walked up this hill many times before and survived all of the ambushes and surprise attacks, or whatever they called them now that lay in waiting. I clipped the silencer onto my gun and walked into the trees.
"Another pathetic ambush failed" I muttered as I took them out one by one. It seemed the opposing gangs weren't even trying anymore. I remembered when they would send hundreds at a time. I shuddered and pulled my overcoat around me, it was cold this morning but i was nearly there. I walked up the over grown path in the grass. Around the mine field... I was getting bored of doing the same thing, over and over again. I had thought of going to medical school, a dream which I might once again realize....
Ms Berry's feedback....
This writing is superb. I love the way you draw the reader into the emotions of the character by allowing him to think out loud. The way you have written the piece makes you buy into the monotonousness the characters feeling. I want to know more about who he is.... Can you vary some of the sentence lengths to add a little more detail about the surroundings?
Well Done
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